When I was a little kid, my mom and dad would sometimes fight about money. Our family lived on what we might call, “slender means.” It made my mom very anxious that we lived from paycheck to paycheck, and that my dad was not so responsible with finances. It was natural that in her desire for us to have a good life and not to have to “scrape by,” she felt frustrated, impatient, and scared.
My mom often expressed her anger at him, raising her voice to the point of shouting, until my dad would often just leave the house. My dad felt ashamed that he could not provide more security for us, so it wasn’t easy for him to communicate effectively with my mom, and it was easier to go quiet.
I share this because these experiences of their fighting, and the fear I felt about the possibility that they might divorce, had an impact on me. As the oldest of two, I felt it was my responsibility to mediate between them and “keep the peace.” It’s strange to say, but even at a young age, I thought it was my role to be the parent in the family, and to protect everyone from being hurt emotionally. That meant that I would sometimes intervene as soon as I sensed a conflict coming on, getting in between them, holding up my hands and saying, “enough!” or sometimes serving as the diplomatic shuttle, mediating between them.
Years later, when I was in doctoral studies and taking a course in conflict transformation, the trainer asked where I got the skills I was using in the role plays that we had to do. I was at a loss to respond, because it was the first time I took such a course. It only dawned on me later that I had lots of experience from an early age.
However, one thing that the professor said really struck me. She said, “David, sometimes you need to let a conflict ripen before you try to resolve it. Otherwise it will reoccur again and again. Sometimes people need the space to express their anger so that they can eventually share their fears, especially what they are afraid to lose. Sometimes conflict is simply a temporary stage in a relationship that is deepening past the surface. And sometimes, let’s face it, there are things worth fighting about, though it would be better if that were the last resort. So before you intervene, try to read the situation and be careful of suppressing conflict before it has a chance to do its work.” What a great lesson, and it has stuck with me ever since that day.
Why do I share this story as we turn our attention to the celebration of Pentecost, the occasion where the apostles receive the Holy Spirit? In the Gospel, rather than emphasizing the Pentecost event that happens fifty days after Passover, John instead describes how in the first appearances after the Resurrection, Christ breathes the Holy Spirit upon them, and says time after time, “Peace be with you.” As he does so, this Spirit accomplishes many things within each of the disciples.
They experience Christ’s mercy and forgiveness for abandoning him. This forgiveness transmits to each of them a profound sense of peace and encouragement that they could not have anticipated; in fact, it was quite the opposite of what they might have expected in the wake of their betrayal of their Lord. This peace, this renewal and sense of a precious relationship restored, this was a profound grace that had an overflowing impact for each of them. They understand that in being forgiven, they too had a new role and responsibility as agents of reconciliation with and for others. While the Catholic Church teaches that there seven gifts of the Holy Spirit (wisdom, understanding, discernment, courage, knowledge, reverence, and wonder) and 12 fruits that grow from the active reception of the Holy Spirit by a believer (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, generosity, faithfulness, modesty, self control, and chastity), John emphasizes reconciliation and peace above all.
What does this mean for us? As people living in times where anger, merciless attitudes, polarization, and violence seem as close as they ever have, it is natural that out of our own anxiety, we would like to avoid conflict and seek peace at all costs. We might even set harmony and unity above all other values within our communities and organizations, but so far as to deny problems and try to suppress the voices of those who express criticism or challenge the status quo. This is especially common in religious communities, where division is sometimes seen as the work of “an enemy spirit.” Or as leaders, we might want to intervene and head off tensions as soon as they arise.
However, Jesus had a different orientation toward conflict, and for this reason, the Holy Spirit has a distinct role to play, not in heading it off entirely, but helping us move through it in a way that brings about reconciliation, more love, more commitment, a deeper understanding and unity. Jesus accepted that conflict was a part of life, and as we know, he rarely shied away from it if it might serve a greater good. He regularly used confrontation to challenge the religious authorities of his time to call them beyond their laws and customs to a deeper fidelity. Jesus held similar boundaries and confronted his apostles when they were straying from the spirit of his teaching, and lapsing into ego driven competition or ambition with one another. He also challenged them when they allowed their cultural biases or prejudices to get in the way of charity or welcoming strangers. But conflict was never the goal, even in these moments when Jesus was taking up his prophetic role.
Jesus discerned constantly the nature of the situation or relationship and chose where, when, how, and why he would intervene. He accepted that his own disciples were imperfect, made mistakes, and even that they would betray and abandon him. However, Jesus also was led by the Holy Spirit to correct, show mercy, and reconcile, not only forgiving them, but also ultimately forgiving those who put him to death. He didn’t use his divinity to remove division and conflict from the world, but he prayed that the Father send the Holy Spirit to help us on the way to the peace beyond the conflict.
As leaders today, the stakes are high. Tensions and conflict will always be a part of our lives, relationships, works, and ministries. Sometimes, they are simply necessary, even in service of a greater good. However, as Jesus promised the disciples, he promised us to send his Holy Spirit to accompany us along the way. His Spirit is with us, enlightening our consciousness and guiding us beyond our fears and reactivity. The Holy Spirit supports the skillful means of communication that promote a deeper understanding, a more profound peace than simply the absence of overt conflict. As we celebrate this feast, perhaps we might each consider our own history with regard to conflict, what healing or insight we may require in order to serve as agents of reconciliation, and that peace which is even beyond understanding.
As resources in your own efforts for leading reconciliation and the skillful resolution of conflict, we encourage you to check out this link at Discerning Leadership:
With you on the road,
